Where the ashes lay
by FortuneFaded2012
Summary: At nearly eighty-eight years of age Katniss Mellark loses the love of her life. She finds a companion in her grand-daughter Dani, who undertakes an artistic adventure when she begins to replicate her grand-father's paintings. As they journey through a world without Peeta, each of them begins to grow in their understanding of a man who saw beauty in even the darkest of times.


_**Where the Ashes Lay**_

I've had a whole night's rest and my body still aches. I can appreciate that my body is falling apart though. I never thought I would live long enough to say I'm nearly ninety.

One month from today I will be eighty-eight years old. It is a blessed thought to have nearly tripled the lifespan I would have likely had in the olden days of my childhood district. My body is surely weathered by time and hardship, but Peeta still adores it and I adore his too. We are both nearing the end and Peeta's mind slips away from him more these days. He's content to be alive though. I'm happy too, blissfully so.

I open my eyes to peer at the rays of light seeping through the window. Its open just a crack and the air in the room feels brisk with the fresh April day. I rise up and reach for my robe, folded on the nightstand where I left it before bed. Peeta is quiet behind me, still quite sound asleep. He needs a good rest. I feel my knees pop as I stand up and wrap the robe tightly around my frail body. I find my slippers kicked precariously next to the bed and slip them on to go put a hot water kettle on the stove.

This seems like a morning for some mint tea. I run my wrinkled hand on the smooth railing as I walk slowly down the stairs, humming to myself lightly. The tea is on a lower shelf than it used to be. I started to have trouble reaching it and finally came to terms with the fact that I needed a bit of cupboard re-organization.

After the kettle whistles impatiently I pour my cup and sit at the table looking out at the misty fog that covers our lawn. _It's a beautiful morning_, I think. I drink my tea and set my cup aside. I'll have more when Peeta and I have breakfast.

I busy myself making toast and eggs for breakfast, nipping a bite here and there before I prepare a tray to bring up to Peeta. I hum lowly as I climb the stairs. The cups and plates clink together as I walk. I push our bedroom door open with my shoulder. Peeta is still huddled under the blankets.

Gingerly, I place the tray on our dresser and make my way to his sleeping figure. I bend to kiss his smiling lips, ready to whisper my _good morning_. Peeta's lips are cold and stiff. He doesn't stir as I press a palm into his shoulder and shake him. He doesn't open his eyes as I press my ear to his heart. I'm met with silence. My hands shake as I press them to his face.

I feel numb, confused, and unsure of myself. I realize I've been staring at him for several moments when my heart suddenly lurches in my chest. I slide to my knees beside the bed, gripping for his stiff cold hand. I kiss it softly before I press my face into the blankets.

_He's gone_, I realize.

_He's really gone. Just like that. _

_Peacefully, in his sleep,_ I wonder at the fortune of such a quiet death. _He deserved it_.

I begin to cry, because he left me and deep down inside I wish I had gone with him. "Damn it, Peeta. Damn you for leaving me. When I see you again, I'm going to smack you before I kiss you," I grit out.

I cry harder when I realize he is never coming back. I cry over the beauty of his ordinary death. He didn't die in war, in the arena, or because of his own madness. He just simply slipped into sleep, _smiling_.

* * *

Hours later I rise, slide into some clothes, press a kiss to his cold cheek and silently close the door. I walk mindlessly to my daughter's home. She and her husband Marcus the grand log structure on my family's old land in the Seam. My vision keeps blurring as I walk along the roadway. A car passes, honking. The driver waves at me. I see the smiling face, but my mind can't register who it is. _Not now._

Avery and Marcus have flowers popping up by their porch. I stare at them as I knock on the large wooden door. My grand-daughter Dani answers, kissing my cheek as she bids me "Good morning Gran!" I close my eyes and nod my hello. _I wish she weren't home. Isn't it a school day? Maybe it's Saturday?_ I've lost sense of the day already.

"What are you doing here so early?" She asks as she follows me into the house. She was eating breakfast in the little nook in the kitchen. Toast and jam it looks like. I watch her sit back down and take a bite as she reads a book. She is young and full of life.

"I need to see your mama," it's all I can manage around the lump in my throat.

"Well here I am," Avery turns into the kitchen behind me, folding her hair up in a braid. "Morning Ma, how are you?" She asks happily. Her dog trails her lazily. Peeta bought her that old mutt before Dani was born. He follows her down to her butcher shop every morning.

I look up at my daughter's pleasant face, her hair salt and pepper with age. Instantly I can see her recognize that something is off. She quickly ties back her hair and steps forward to rest her palms on my shoulders.

"What is it?" She asks earnestly. I close my eyes for a brief moment and swallow the bile in my throat.

"Your father. I need you to come home with me. He…" I feel the tears seeping down my face as I lose track of my sentence. Avery's beautiful blue eyes fill with tears.

"He what Mama?" She asks hoarsely. I hear Dani's chair scrape the floor as she stands up, but I can't look away from my daughter's eyes. Peeta's eyes, stunning corn-flower blue.

"He went into the stars to be with all those who left him behind," I whisper as my daughter slides her hands down my arms and grips my shaking palms. Peeta used to tell her bedtime stories where the man in the moon watched over her while she slept and the stars were all the loved ones who are waiting for us to join them. When she was older she learned who they all were, about the Games, the bombing, our families.

The tears have spilled down her cheeks. Dani's thin arms have wrapped around us both. We all shake as waves of overwhelming sorrow begin to take their hold. I can hear Dani sniffling as she presses her soft cheek close to mine. She's a lovely girl, she always said she wanted to someday be a painter like her grandfather. Peeta had loved teaching her to blend colors. He had doted on her like all the grandchildren before her.

"He went away and he didn't say good-bye, but he's happy I just know it," I choke out finally. I feel my daughter nod.

"He's up there greeting them all with hugs and kisses. He'll be telling stories about us for weeks," Avery laughs through her tears. She presses a kiss to my forehead and then to her youngest daughter's.

* * *

Somehow I survive hours of alerting my family, going back for Peeta's body, and preparing for his funeral. There are so many people to call. So many friends and relatives. I begin to forget what I'm doing and who needs me next. Avery forces food into me around mid-day, just before the press arrives.

Immediately there is a swarm of advisers and government officials at my home. Aiding me, preparing me, and making me feel as though I am readying for a third round of the Games. It's all too fast and nothing seems like the Peeta we had all known. They want to honor him in a grand show. Thousands of people will flock to see his burial.

The idea makes me cringe. I leave the room and hide away in the upstairs closet, feigning that I need to use the rest room. The coats skim just above my head and I shove most of the shoes to one side of the small space. After a few hours I find myself crying and laughing at once. This feels like when I was waiting for Peeta in District 13, losing myself in dark spaces where no one would come looking. I drift into a strange semi-consciousness, leaning against the wall.

Asa's youngest daughter, Lorie, opens the door to my dark hiding place sometime before dinner, "I found her!" She shouts over her shoulder. I blink my eyes blearily at the bright light of the hallway.

Lorie kneels beside me in the closet and holds my hands for a moment. For a girl in her last year of high school she has always been wiser than most, the kind of wise that a girl her age would have been back in the old times.

She gives my hands two squeezes, "I found you," she says softly.

"Gran, you were starting to scare everyone. We weren't sure where you ran off to," She bites her lip as she reaches up to stroke my cheek. Her hands are clammy. I feel guilt well up in my chest over worrying them all.

"I'm sorry to scare you dear," I tell her honestly.

She shakes her head, "No, it's alright. I knew you needed some time. Dad was a little upset though. He thought you had wandered out into the woods alone." I smirk at this statement. My son, for whatever reason has thought that in my old age I am not fit to walk in my woods without assistance.

"Sometimes your father is too worrisome. Help me up, my old bones can't do it on their own," I pat her shoulder and raise my hands for her to pull. She guides me back into a standing position and doesn't let go of my hand as we walk back downstairs.

Dani greets us on the bottom threshold, ready to grasp my other hand. My girls guide me to a sit at the dining room table where someone has prepared all sorts of foods. _I wonder if the neighbors have already started to deliver their condolences casseroles?_ I muse. Dinner tastes bland and I pick at the food more than I eat it. I try to manage a few smiles when a new family member arrives. It's all too much though. Eventually I let Avery guide me to my bedroom. She kisses my cheek and asks whether she should stay. Of course I tell her there is no need.

I hear people making beds for themselves in other rooms. Children scurrying about, babies crying. The house hasn't been so alive since our 68th wedding anniversary.

I lay awake staring at Peeta's side of the bed. Even with the window wide open it feels nothing like the bedroom that I shared with my husband for so many years. I'm adrift in a sea that I don't recognize, though the scenery is the same. It feels like I've lost my compass.

* * *

During a eulogy, a good orator turns a person's life into a beautiful simplistic story that ebbs and flows with happiness and good deeds. That is not the type of eulogy that my husband needs, because his life wasn't always honest and tranquil. All I can think as this red-haired young man begins to recount my husband's long life is that if he were still alive he'd shoot the man. _He'd tell his own story with the honesty it deserves. He wouldn't paint over the cracked colors of his portrait._

"We lay to rest this great man with sadness in our hearts, but praise the work that he has done for our people and our nation," the man is no older than 20, a popular television host from the newest series, elected as the voice of this "devastating national loss". I wonder why we never earned the right to live as free people, when our country was given its independence. Peeta's death is a national loss, not the loss of an average citizen of New Panem. Not the loss of an average husband, father, or friend.

_Even in death he can't claim his independence_, I think angrily.

"Peeta Mellark was a hero in every sense of the word, his legacy paved the way for new policies and…" The man's voice is soothing, but a soft voice isn't the story-teller of Peeta's life. I am the voice of his life, rugged and weathered like the leather of my father's old hunting jacket.

I close my eyes and inhale a long slow breath before I push my aged body upward to stand before this crowd of thousands. People have come to see him buried who may have never met him, but been touched by the life he lived.

I wonder how many of them would still be here if he had never been glorified by our poor circumstance. _If we were just two humble people from District 12 who found each other against all odds, would there be this many mourners at his grave?_

"Gran?" The fresh voice of my youngest great grand-son, Ryan, questions me as I move forward from the row of grey chairs. I reach my hand back and pat his cheek to show him everything is alright.

I briefly glance into the piercing blue eyes of my daughter to his left and see the poignant gratitude that I am about to put a stop to this farce. She nods permission before I slowly make my way toward the man at the podium. She wraps her arm around her grandson, patting his shoulder as I walk away.

The man looks down at me as I approach the little stage, questions in his eyes as he mechanically reads his grand speech. He's probably wondering why I am deviating from this elaborate schedule of speeches and tributes. All designed to glorify the man I love, like some sort of martyr of peace and revolution.

I climb the steps with heavy feet, long since too loud to hunt in the forest. I raise one hand up as I reach the top, halting the man's speech as I align myself beside him. Immediately he falls away from the microphone and the crowd of prying eyes focuses on my wrinkled face. A face they have grown to know without my desire or support.

"I've had quite enough of this," I sigh as I place both hands on the podium's sides, "Peeta would not want this grand show, this Capitol designed soap-opera with painted faces."

I look toward my family and the people surrounding them are the closest friends and confidants that Peeta and I shared. The ones who are still living. I find the courage to say how I feel as I look into their eyes. The shades of truth in them, the fear and desperation of the lives they shared with my husband. These are the real stories of our life. _The real voices._

"Even in death, you've tried to make this man into a person he was never meant to be. Acting as though he was some great manor house, ignoring his age and faults. Painting over cracks in the façade of the life we built. If Peeta were a great edifice, he was supported by a crumbling foundation of lies and false hopes. Everything that he was as a tangible person and everything that he represents are two _very_ different things," my son Asa, every bit the image of my husband, smiles bitterly as I say my peace.

"The real tragedy of his death is that he never got to live the peace of an average man. The real tragedy is that my children never got to know the entirety of their father's love. My husband was a man broken by this country and if you believe that you love him, then you can honor him by leaving this ceremony. My family would like to grieve his death on our terms. Please respect our wishes." The crowd begins to rumble, cameras clicking rapidly, voices shouting their dislike. I shake my head at the din.

Quietly, I step away from the microphone and begin to make my way toward the casket that contains Peeta's remains. It is a large wooden carved box nestled on a bed of satin, surrounded by flowers and greenery. It is some Capitol custom to burry remains below the Earth, something that I am not content to allow. Peeta deserves more than being buried under the dirt that consumed so many lives when our district's primary killer was the mine.

I stare down at the smooth mahogany of the box wondering if I loved the man inside enough to heal him. I feel the smooth hands of my daughter sliding around my body as she envelopes me in a hug, placing her head on my shoulder. Her hair is mixed with silver now, no longer lengthy strands of curling ebony.

When she became a grandmother Peeta and I knew that we were blessed to still be living. We outdid the statistics of our childhood district by simply living to see our first grandchild. The concept of great-grandchildren was foreign and that of a fairytale. We never dreamed that we would have our own family.

"Mama, you did right by him in the end. You loved him when the odds were stacked against you. You two did good, you know that right?" Avery's voice is much like my sister's was, clear and crisp. When she was a small child, sometimes she would scare me. How similar she was to Prim…it was unnerving.

"I know baby, we made _you_," I kiss her forehead softly as I wrap one arm around her waist, "Asa too. You both made us happier than we ever dreamed of being."

Asa and the rest of the family join us beside Peeta's casket. I can feel several sets of eyes watching me, looking for my strength and guidance. I lean forward and run my fingertips across the wood that encases my love.

My voice quivers slightly as I clear my throat to speak, "I'd like to cremate him, and he'd rather be ash than be buried in this monstrosity."

I look up at Asa and he nods his acceptance of my wish. "No one in 12 ever wanted to be buried," I say vaguely. I feel Avery patting my back.

After that, the logistics of the day melt into a misty haze of action. Until I find myself staring at an urn full of my husband's ashes. I sit at the kitchen table drinking a hot cup of tea as I grapple with the idea that Peeta's body is no longer whole. That Peeta is gone and has been now for 4 days. My house is full of noisy children, flowers, and_ condolences_ casseroles.

Yet, I sit alone at the table, staring at a silver container that encases what remains of my husband.

It takes me a long while to realize I'm crying.

* * *

"Do you want the ashes to go up here on the mantle Ma?" Asa is trying to be helpful and find a more permanent home for Peeta's ashes. It's been 9 days and I still feel like my compass is lost. I'm floating around life hazily in a fog. There are moments of clarity when the children come to me, but most days are hazy.

Asa stands in the living room appraising the space on the fireplace's mantle. He has already considered the bookshelves and the windowsills. Neither of which met whatever standard he is looking for. I am content to leave Peeta in the place where he did all his baking. I figure I'll humor my son though; he has a point about the kitchen table being a bit of an improper place.

Asa shifts some picture frames and a flower pot aside. I haven't watered the damn plant since the day before Peeta left. Asa frowns at the wilting leaves before he places Peeta's urn in the center of the mantle.

"How is that Ma?" He asks. He stands back, crossing his arms with his palm against his chin. He nods minutely before he looks back at me. His face softens as he takes in my lost expression.

"Ma, you alright?" I nod and achieve a small smile for him.

"I like it honey, your father would scoff at being the center of attention. He'd secretly like it though," I say as my son places an arm around my shoulder. We stare at the urn for several minutes, silently looking at the man we both loved.

Asa squeezes my shoulder as he walks into the kitchen. I hear the tap running before he returns with some water for the plant. "I'll make you lunch, and then I can mow the grass. It's looking tall," Asa says as he empties the glass of water into the pot.

"Sounds lovely," I say.

I sit on the couch and watch Peeta's urn until it is time to eat. Like every day before this one, the food tastes like paper. I tell Asa that it tastes divine, for his sake. He smiles, glad to care for me. It's what keeps his mind off things. Soon he'll be heading home to be with his wife though and I'll be here for the night.

I don't like them all worrying over me, so I give him a hearty smile as he waves good-bye.

* * *

On day 14 I watch my grand-daughter stand in the middle of the yard, her little blue coat dangling over the edge of her bright red boots. She seems oblivious to the rain, staring off into the mountains that loom above the tree line. She has unruly russet colored curls that have always flown wildly about her.

Of all my grandchildren she is the most like me in temperament, but so much of her is pure Peeta. She was an unexpected baby. Avery was blessed with her at the age of 42 when her oldest daughter was going off to study at college. The oldest has her own kids now too, my great-grandchildren. The oldest of which is nine. Just thinking of it all makes me smile. Peeta was so happy to be surrounded by such a large brood.

Dani tilts her head slightly to the right, holding her left hand out as though she is measuring something. I'm happily bemused now, wondering what on Earth she is up to. She steps four paces to her right and promptly lies on her belly, still looking up at the mist and cloud-covered mountains. I watch her small hands frame her vision as if she were taking a photograph. She pulls herself onto her knees and removes something red from her pocket. She forces it into the soft earth and stands above it with a look of satisfaction.

She must finally sense me watching her, because she swivels on her leg and looks toward me. I've been rocking in my chair on the porch for the past ten minutes, enjoying the drizzle and the way the muggy air is beginning to chill from the rain.

We meet eyes, considering each other as we often do. When she walks toward me, it begins to rain harder. She shields her eyes with one hand and hurries her pace, splashing in puddles that haven't soaked into the earth yet. She stomps the mud off her boots as she trudges up the stairs.

I nod a greeting at her as she whisks excess water from her coat and shakes her unruly mane. She smiles affectionately at me, a Peeta smile, bright and warm. That smile is a gift Peeta has passed onto her alone. She gingerly sits in the rocking chair adjacent to me. We rock silently for several minutes, content in watching water pour in rivets off the porch's overhang.

"Now Dani, when your uncle comes to trim the lawn will he have to remove that?" I ask, looking at the little red object peeking up through the grass.

"It's a flag on a stake, a marker to save my spot," she replies rocking slowly forward and back.

"A marker for what?"

She peers at me for a moment, her blue eyes unable to hide the apprehension she feels, "I'm marking a place to do a painting."

I smile softly, "Well, warn Uncle Asa before he runs over it with the mower blades." I chuckle thinking of my often absentminded son. I can picture the fiasco vividly already. Dani usually enjoys a laugh at her uncle's expense, but her mind seems to be off somewhere else. She continues to rock, staring off in the distance.

"Gran, I've been doing something without asking you and the more I work at it, the more I feel that I need your blessing," she nibbles her lip, looking down at the porch floorboards.

"Well, what is it love?" I ask her softly. Whatever it is, it can't be worth the heartache she seems to be having over it. She's fourteen, the biggest worries she should have are grades and friendships.

"I was looking through the attic and I found a box full of Grandpa's artwork. Things from when he was a young man," she looks up at me with glistening eyes.

"I know I shouldn't have kept looking, but I wanted a little part of his life. There were so many beautiful things and seeing the world through his eyes…well, it helps when I miss him."

"I don't mind at all Dani, you can look at whatever you want," I tell her honestly. She stops rocking suddenly, bending forward to place her elbows on her knees. The position leans her closer to me. There is pain on her face and I start to feel as though I know where this is leading.

"The thing is…that there are a lot of things I'm not sure Grandpa would have wanted me to see. From when he was very sick and…before those even, things from the games -" I lean forward, mirroring her position and cutting her off.

"Dani, listen. I've locked those things away because they are hard for me to bear sometimes; when I feel strong I look at them. Right now I am still learning to cope with Grandpa being gone," I reach my hand forward to grip her soft palm in mine. She squeezes back instantly.

I tap our clasped hands with my other wrinkled palm, "If the things in the attic help you, then I want you to continue learning about the man that Grandpa has always been. The world has always been beautiful through his eyes, even in the most terrible times. He saw the beauty."

"Thanks Gran. The second part is that I need your permission to continue something I've started. I got an idea, seeing all the places that he has been. They're places I can go too. I took one of his paintings of the lake. I found the exact spot where Grandpa had sat and I've been replicating it. How it looks in present day," she smiles, her Peeta showing as she must drift back to the memory of sharing a moment in time with her grandfather. A moment they never shared as he lived.

"I've been thinking that I will do the same thing with some of his other paintings, like a journey of sorts. Showing how things have changed," her eyes look hopeful, yet timid.

I don't let her light fade. Instead I smile warmly at her and pull her hand up to my lips so that I can kiss the other gift that Peeta has given her, gentle patient artist hands, "I have never heard a better idea in my whole life. You have my permission love; I wouldn't keep you from this for all the cheese buns in the world."

"Not even if there was chocolate sauce to dip it in?"

"Nope, not even then, though I may be tempted," I joke.

She snorts and squeezes my hand once more before I let her go. We both fall back into our chairs and commence our rocking.

"Can we keep this a secret between us?" She asks softly after several silent minutes. I raise my eyebrows, but nod.

"I want to wait and show everyone when I'm ready," she reasons.

_When will any of us ever be ready to let Peeta go? Never. At least not for me. _This is her way of dealing with it, a cathartic artistic adventure. It is such a Peeta thing to do that I can't help but embrace it.

When it begins to get close to dinner time Dani rises from her chair and kisses me softly on the cheek. She bids me goodnight and begins to walk down the steps.

"Dani," she stops and turns, gripping the railing. In this dimming light I'm struck with how beautiful she is. A warm pride flourishes in my chest.

"He'd want you to know everything that happened to him, how it really made him feel. If there is anything that you want to know, bring your questions here. We'll work on our heartache together."

She nods, her curls waving around her in the breeze, "Goodnight Gran, I love you." I smile and watch her travel down the gravel road until she disappears around the bend.

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you for reading. I hope that this first chapter wasn't too down-trodden. I have recently gotten internet back after a 3 month hiatus and plan on publishing a lot of new chapters for stories. Stay tuned everyone! Thanks again for reading.


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